Have you ever caught yourself second-guessing everything you say or do, worried about how others might perceive you? Maybe it’s that uncomfortable feeling when you walk into a room full of strangers, or the anxiety that creeps in when you send an email to your boss. It's as if we're constantly under the watchful eye of society, and somehow, that gaze shapes who we are. But why does it matter so much? And what does this say about how we see ourselves?
The Deep-Rooted Need for Social Approval
It’s easy to forget that our need for approval wasn’t always this complicated. Thousands of years ago, we were part of small tribes where survival depended on being accepted. If you weren’t part of the group, you might have found yourself without food, protection, or even companionship. So, it makes sense that we evolved to care about how others see us. After all, being part of the group was, quite literally, a matter of life and death.
Yet, in our modern world, the stakes aren’t quite as high. We no longer rely on tribes for our survival, but still, many of us react to social disapproval as though it could end our lives. And let’s face it: how often have we found ourselves trying to fit in, even when it doesn’t feel true to who we are?
Brené Brown, in her work on vulnerability, points out something important. She draws a clear distinction between "fitting in" and "belonging." Fitting in, she says, is about changing who you are to be accepted, while belonging is about being accepted for exactly who you are. Think about that for a second. What if we didn’t have to change who we are to feel like we belong?
The “Impartial Spectator” and Our Inner Judge
One of the earliest thinkers to reflect on this tension was Adam Smith, the philosopher best known for his ideas about economics. But in The Theory of Moral Sentiments, Smith dived deep into how we judge ourselves. He introduced the concept of the "impartial spectator," an imaginary third party we use to assess our actions. This inner voice is supposed to help us make moral choices, to guide us in doing what’s right.
But here’s the catch: What if that inner judge isn’t as impartial as we think? What if it’s shaped by society’s biases and unrealistic expectations? Michel Foucault, a philosopher who loved to mess with traditional ideas, argued that our “inner judge” is actually a reflection of the power structures around us. The norms we internalize—gender roles, societal expectations, ideas of success—are all tied to who holds power. And when we measure ourselves against these norms, we may not even realize we’re playing a game we didn’t choose.
Feminist Philosophy: Breaking Free from the Mold
Feminist thinkers have long pointed out how these societal pressures affect women in particular. Simone de Beauvoir, in her groundbreaking work The Second Sex, argued that women are taught to define themselves in relation to men, not as individuals in their own right. Society teaches women their value is tied to beauty, motherhood, and submission. This creates a trap where women’s self-worth is constantly up for negotiation, dependent on whether they meet these external standards.
Judith Butler, in her work on gender theory, takes it even further. She argues that gender isn’t something inherent or fixed—it’s something we perform. We create our identities through actions and behaviors that are influenced by societal expectations. What if we could drop the performance? What if we could just be?
bell hooks, another powerful feminist voice, takes the idea of self-love even further. She talks about how rejecting patriarchal standards of beauty and behavior is a radical act of self-acceptance. Loving yourself without needing validation from society is a form of resistance. And what’s more liberating than that?
Carl Rogers: The Path to Authenticity
The journey to understanding why we care so much about what others think wouldn’t be complete without mentioning Carl Rogers, a psychologist who focused on self-acceptance. Rogers introduced the idea of “unconditional positive regard”—the belief that we should accept ourselves without needing to meet others’ expectations. It’s about looking in the mirror and saying, “I am enough, just as I am.” But if you’ve ever tried this, you know it’s easier said than done. When we’re raised with the idea that we must behave a certain way to be loved, it’s hard to see our inherent worth.
Reclaiming Your Authenticity
So how do we break free from this cycle of external validation? First, we have to realize that it’s okay to care about what others think, but it shouldn’t define us. When we let society’s standards shape our self-worth, we lose sight of who we truly are. We live in a state of “bad faith,” as Sartre called it—a state where we lie to ourselves to fit into a mold that isn’t ours.
Nietzsche, that philosopher who wasn’t afraid to shake things up, encouraged us to reject the norms that restrict us. “Become who you are,” he urged. Embrace your true self, even if it doesn’t fit into society’s neat little boxes. The freedom to choose your identity is what makes life meaningful.
So, What Now?
In the end, the question is not so much why we care about what others think, but how we learn to navigate that care while staying true to who we are. It’s not about shutting out society completely, but about finding balance. How can we listen to others’ feedback without letting it consume us? How can we honor our authentic self while still living in a world that demands certain things from us?
The philosophers I’ve mentioned—Brené Brown, Adam Smith, Foucault, de Beauvoir, Butler, hooks, Rogers, Sartre, and Nietzsche—are all on the same page when it comes to authenticity. They all point to the same truth: true freedom lies in accepting who we are, not who society tells us to be.
So next time you find yourself caught in the grip of social approval, remember: you don’t have to fit in to belong. You just have to be you. And that, my friend, is enough.
Naina Bhargava is a lawyer and the founder and editor of The Philosophy Project.